Hollywood is under high pressure from various left-wing groups to bring its business fully in line with political correctness. After the Southern California ACLU claimed that the movie industry didn’t have enough female directors, no fewer than two federal agencies launched investigations into Tinseltown’s hiring practices. Blacks have threatened to boycott the Academy Awards if the Motion Picture Academy doesn’t start handing out Affirmative Action Oscars. And Twitter pests are pushing studios to make Captain America gay, Princess Elsa lesbian, and James Bond female.
In response, one of Hollywood’s top studios has now announced plans for a new tentpole picture scheduled for release next Kwaanza—a superhero extravaganza entitled Social Justice League of America: Age of Imaginary Problems. The blockbuster will be written and directed by Lena Dunham, who will also play the lead role of Cecily Shrillwine.
According to a studio press release, Shrillwine is a brilliant nuclear physicist who angrily quits MIT after a sexist professor evicts her from class merely because she doesn’t know any math. Shrillwine retires to her private laboratory hidden on the cliffs of Mount Grievance and there begins a series of secret experiments to determine exactly how little a person can contribute to society while still complaining about being underpaid.
During the experiments, Shrillwine is bitten by a radioactive strain of chlamydia and is transformed into I’m-So-Special Girl, whose superpowers enable her to take off her clothes and make every single person in America stop watching television at the same moment. I’m-So-Special Girl assembles an exciting array of superhero friends, including Transformer Man-or-Possibly-Woman, Angry Blackface, Wheelchair Girl, Fabulous Dorothy Guy, and Overly-Nice-to-Animals Person. Their powers, when combined, make them almost completely unbearable.
The Social Justice League of America soon learns of the activities of the evil Microaggression Man. Though Microaggression Man is too small for the human eye to see, a single disgruntled look from him can render a young adult helpless by making him suspect he’s nowhere near as terrific as his mom and dad always told him he was. And now, it turns out, Microaggression Man has developed a destructive supergun that fires judgmental thoughts able to destroy completely the self-esteem of an entire university.
The heroes of SJLA soar off to Sustainable City in their solar-powered mega-jet and arrive seven days later, just in time to stop Microaggression Man from unleashing a forbidden idea on an unsuspecting public. In a climactic battle that destroys skyscrapers, wholesome traditions, liberty, and most of the best ideas mankind ever had, the Social Justice League finally thwarts Microaggression Man by making a loud, screechy noise whenever he tries to talk and then burying him under the rubble of the First Amendment.
Studio executive Bernie Soulless told the showbiz trade paper Variety that he was delighted at the plans for the film, saying, “It’s way past time Hollywood caved in to every no-talent non-entity who can’t come up with his own idea for a franchise and so instead wants to ruin ours.” Soulless said his studio was not sure yet whether it would be more profitable to make the new Social Justice League film at an estimated budget of $100 million or simply to gather $100 million in a big pile and set it on fire, then sell tickets to watch it burn.
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